Sunday, January 15, 2012
I was in a car accident this week. I know. They happen all the time. I stopped. The car behind me did not. Well, actually he did. He stopped when my car stopped him. I did good. I had just enough time, and I steered my car so I didn't slam into the car in front of me. Despite that, it's not the details of the accident that I am concerned about right now. It's what's happening now- the aftermath- that concerns me. Now my shoulder hurts. It hurts to touch it. It hurts to lay on my back. It hurts to pick up my daughter. It hurt when I tried to cut my waffle yesterday morning. Don't get me wrong, I can handle the pain. I've lived with pain in my left knee for the greater part of my life. It just annoys the hell out of me that now I have to deal with this new pain just as the other pain was going away (thanks to my physical therapy.) It doesn't matter that I can deal with the pain in any case. I shouldn't have to cope because some old guy wasn't paying attention while he was driving. Besides that, it ticks me off that I can't pick up my daughter. How do you explain to a two-year-old that mama can't pick her up because her shoulder hurts? I shouldn't have to explain to her that when mama's big car got an ouchy I also got an ouchy. Beyond that, the stress that has come out of it and how my body and brain are responding to it piss me off the most. I wish my brain didn't keep replaying it over and over again. I wish I didn't keep over-analyzing it and thinking, "what if I had been in that little car that we traded in 2 months ago?" Because when I start thinking like that, I start to panic. I can't breathe. I feel like that poor kid on the asthma billboard that says he feels like a fish out of water. Then my hands start shaking. Once I catch my breath, I start crying. I start crying because I know there's nothing I can do about it. All I can do is keep trying to breathe, keep playing with my daughter, and keep busy so my brain doesn't keep replaying it over and over again. That may work during the day, but it doesn't work in the evening when things are winding down or at night when I wake up freaking out. I don't know how to stop my brain from thinking when I'm asleep. How do I keep myself from panicking when I'm having a dream about driving? It's hard enough to keep yourself focused during the day when you aren't sleeping well at night, forget trying to get it to do what you want when you aren't conscious. I can try Xanax. The side affects of that will put me to sleep. They'll stop the panic attacks in the evening by numbing me to the point of exhaustion. But, what will get me through the day? I can't take it and then go to work. The junior high kids will eat me alive if I try that.